It has emerged that a 26-year-old vape smoker from Southend is unaware that he has now become an even bigger dick than someone who smokes regular cigarettes.

According to friends and family of nightclub ‘promota’ Danny Fuch-Weet, the turning point came last Thursday when he was caught inhaling something smelling like a Glade plugin from something that looks like a Fisher Price walkie-talkie in vivid fuchsia with neon lighting and a piercing squeal when the owner dares ignore it for more than fifteen seconds.

Danny said: ‘I have it all going on right now. This zip-up bag has my USB charger and twenty different flavour capsules including menthol, wet dog’s arsehole and Toffee Crisp.’

‘My chosen colour scheme is very important on a personal level.’

‘It’s not so much about choosing a healthier alternative to regular cigarettes, it’s more a question of everyone in a 500-yard radius knowing that I vape.’

‘I think I will try veganism next.’

‘I have pre-ordered one from The Netherlands that includes strobe lighting effects.’

‘If any kids have a seizure around me that’s their problem, not mine.’

‘The large amount of vape steam generated with every puff is awesome as well.’

‘Whenever I exhale in a dimly-lit room, I imagine that I am in an 80’s pop video.’

He stopped at this point to request that we stop referring to his people as ‘vapers’ as it sounds ‘horribly ordinary.’

He added: ‘Us vapists are leading the way. All tobacco smokers shall kneel before me like the pieces of shit that they are.’