A £3m research project that has been carried out by Southend tourism bosses has confirmed that walking into the middle of the Thames Estuary is the best possible leisure activity if you happen to be a complete and utter moron. The findings state that this is down to the ‘irresistible’ combination of quicksand, getting stranded by the incoming tide, needlessly being rescued by a financially-stretched RNLI lifeboat service and the presence of a WW2 wreck with like a billion trillion tonnes of explosives onboard. 

Steve Tydell of Get Into Southend said: ‘Only the very highest level of wallybrain would think that it is a top idea to go wandering close to one of the planet’s busiest shipping lanes when the tide happens to be out, and we all know that man is more than capable of running back and beating the tide when it comes in again. To be fair, walking along Southend Pier can be pretty expensive, and so for many people it is well worth taking the risk.’

Mr Tydell added: ‘When people get rescued out there in the middle of summer, this is a far better use of RNLI resources than going to rescue people who have a genuine need to be out at sea – fishermen and so on. Perhaps an enterprising local company could start a regular excursion towards the SS Montgomery where people can spend an hour or two poking the wreck with a large stick or something.’