How the hell can some of these Christmas Experiences get away with charging £50 or more per child?

More to the point. Why are people going batshit crazy booking them all up in fucking September?

I’m going to be honest here and say that for that sort of money I would expect one of Santa’s female helpers to take me into a little side room for a ‘festive nosh’ while humming Deck The Halls.

Christmas is already ‘pants-down and think of England’ time for parents all over the land, so why are these bastards making things ten times worse?

It’s because taking little Jimmy to meet that Jack Daniels-infused old man with a beard who is probably on some sort of register in the shopping centre grotto simply doesn’t cut it anymore.

‘But Mummy! Tabitha and Jemima Plum-Plum are getting taken to Winter Wonder Mega Super Land this year where they have real reindeer and everything!’

Yeah nothing cruel about that whatsoever. Surely any reindeer would jump at the chance to get carrots poked in its eyeballs by rat-faced little bastards who will probably have forgotten about the whole Christmas experience ten minutes after going home.

Perhaps these companies are just following the example of pub restaurants who turn a £6.99 Sunday roast into a £49.95 Christmas Banquet by adding a 6p cracker.