How are you preparing for record levels of snowfall in Essex?

A spokesperson for the Essex Weather Office has confirmed that the current weather alert for wintry weather has been upgraded this morning from ‘Amber’ to ‘Jump up and down screaming your fucking lungs out.’

This is the second-highest level of weather alert in the United Kingdom behind ‘Fuck it. Let’s ram raid Currys.’

Speaking to Southend News Network, EWO’s Head of Civil Engagement Clive Neige said that now would probably be a good time to head down to Tesco and cave someone’s head in over the last remaining loaf of Kingsmill.

Official EWO guidance states that all adults between the ages of 18 and 45 should now stand directly in front of their properties and jump up and down while screaming ‘Aaaaaaaa snow! Snow! Snow! We’re all going to die! Aaaaaa!’

He added, ‘At times like this, it is very important to go and check on any elderly neighbours.’

‘These people usually have a huge stockpile of biscuits that you can grab while they are distracted when you prank call their landline from a mobile in your pocket.’

‘They often have the blue milk as well – that always tastes so much nicer warmed up in a rich cocoa on a cold winter’s evening.’

In another development, a Daily Express reader from Thorpe Bay has admitted that the upcoming cold snap is a welcome distraction from wondering just exactly what happened to Princess Diana on that fateful night.

With the newspaper now predicting that this is the beginning of the next ice age that will be replaced in June by the hottest summer since records began, their editor has confirmed that a 66-piece Royal Doulton ‘Diana Ice Age’ Dinner Set will be available shortly for £99.99 plus 40 tokens.