Why on Earth have right-minded British people been forced to take part in a petition to get horse and pony painting parties banned?

Isn’t it already a given that tying up a majestic animal while shrieking kiddiewinks slap the contents of the Early Learning Centre’s arts and crafts shelf all over them is basically a really dumb f*cking idea?

What’s next in the world of kids parties? Pebble dash a goat? Wallpaper a badger?

Actually that would be pretty funny, watching little Jimmy and his friends from the prep school getting their faces bitten off while Petunia, Quentin and all the other twats sip a Chai Latte and discuss the latest developments in the futures market.

This is just a symptom of the ridiculous competition between parents in 2018 to come up with the best party – a sort of dick-waving contest where the enjoyment of the children takes a back seat to mums’ and dads’ desire to spunk twelve months of mortgage payments on something that the spoilt little bastards will forget about as soon as their favourite episode of Paw Patrol pops up on Nick Jr.

There are actually people out there who say that the animals enjoy it because they don’t show any visible signs of distress – this is utter thundershite of the first degree.

Dobbin and Mr Fluffyhoof don’t show any visible signs of distress because they are literally frozen to the spot while wondering why humans are capable of such utter f*ckery.

What the hell happened to society? When I was five years old, I was happy with a Maccy D’s party.

A happy meal, a trip to the kitchen, and the utter thrill of wondering whether or not that day’s Ronald McDonald would get a bit ‘hands on.’