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Boris Furious After Aircraft Is Accidentally Repainted With EU Flag Design

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A source within 10 Downing Street has confirmed that the prime minister Boris Johnson is furious after an RAF Voyager aircraft was accidentally repainted in the design of an EU flag and not the Union Jack ‘red, white and blue’ that was originally ordered.

The idea of the £900,000 project was to create an aircraft that could be used to showcase Great Britain all over the world, but the embarrassing blunder has been blamed on a ‘misunderstanding’ by the world-famous aircraft livery company Verhofstadt and Barnier of Oxfordshire.

Our source added, ‘It’s too late to change it now.’

‘The original quote was so high because the Ministry of Trade asked for the paint job to be Scotch-guarded for extra longevity, and this means that the surface cannot be painted over until the protective layer wears off in thirty years’ time.’

‘There is no budget to replace the aircraft either at the moment due to the amount of money spent on the pandemic, so it looks like Mr Johnson and his team will be force to travel the world in this for the foreseeable future.’

‘It should make European trade negotiations a bit more interesting.’

Parents Told To Warn Children About Dangerous New Drug Called ‘070d’

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Parents across the UK have been told to warn their children about ‘070d,’ a dangerous new drug that has been reported across the country.

According to reports, the initial effects are similar to smoking a menthol cigarette, before users then experience uncontrollable diarrhoea if they consume a large amount of the variant that is described as ‘sugar free.’

We carried out an undercover investigation and shockingly discovered that children as young as seven are able to buy them in newsagents and corner shops.

Secretly filmed footage shows multiple tubes of 070d sitting innocently with everyday confectionery.

One child we met wished to remain anonymous, but he told us that he regularly drinks Coca-Cola after a baggy of 070d to leave his mouth feeling ‘as fresh as an Alpine peak.’

In another development, police are also warning the public to remain vigilant for another street drug that is referred to as ‘070j.’

It is said to be so addictive that lovers have been known to fight over the last one in the pack.

Scientists Discover World’s Smallest Violin After Katie Hopkins Suspended From Twitter

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Scientists at the Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland have discovered microscopic particles in the form of what is believed to be the World’s smallest violin after Katie Hopkins was suspended from Twitter.

According to Dr Milka Fromage of the LHC Institute, playing the instrument would only be possible with a laser beam 1/100,000th of the thickness of an ant’s penis.

He added, ‘When bad news is normally released to the press, we find the appropriate level of public sympathy relatively easily.’

’However, in this instance it took hours of recalibration and collisions before we finally discovered a molecular violin that would work.’

A fundraising appeal for the outspoken commentator has already reached more than £27,000 here. 

Odeon Announces £3.8bn Drop In Pick ‘n’ Mix Sales Due To Lockdown

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A spokesperson for Odeon cinemas has announced a £3.8bn drop in UK-wide Pick ‘n’ Mix sales due to the Coronavirus pandemic.

The vast sum is equivalent to roughly ten kilos of confectionery, and it is thought that the chain may need to increase the cost of Häagen-Dasz when cinemas are finally allowed to open again.

Industry insiders believe that the luxury ice cream kiosks will be forced to abandon Pound Sterling and start using small African nations as currency.

One source said, ‘The only way that they will be able to pull themselves out of this hole will be to lobby the government and demand that bringing your own sweets is criminalised.’

‘That will be the safest option for the general public anyway. We have the technology to individually decontaminate Dolly Mixtures using ultraviolet light, but naturally the costs will have to be passed on to the consumer.’

‘We may also need to stop selling those hot dogs that spin around on a rack.’

‘Nothing to do with the Covid-19 thing for this. They’re just fucking vile.’

It’s already been a shocking day for the retail and hospitality industry, with the news this morning that motorway service stations may be forced to bring snack pots of Pringles back under the £20 mark for the first time since 1972.

Shell garages have already instigated a number of cost-cutting measures, including limiting customers using the Ginster’s pasty microwave to just eleven minutes each.

Counselling Launched For People With Liverpool Fan Friends Who Are About To Become F*cking Unbearable

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The government has announced that £309m has been put aside to set up a counselling service for anyone with Liverpool-supporting friends who are going to become fucking unbearable in the next few weeks.

The news was included in Wednesday’s Coronavirus press briefing, with the Chief Medical Officer Professor Chris Whitty saying that the new service could potentially avoid millions of the bastards getting a punch in the face with a stern ‘shut the fuck up.’

He added, ‘They are bad enough when apparently ‘next year is their year.’

‘However, now that this year is actually going to be their … oh fucking hell I can’t even bring myself to talk about it.’

‘See I’m just thinking about it now and I want to twat the nearest government minister.’

‘Sir Patrick, let’s have some slides up or something mate. Top man.’

Highways Agency To Rename U-Turns ‘Borising’ After PM Backtracks Yet Again

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A spokesperson for the Highways Agency has confirmed that the term ‘U-Turn’ will soon change to ‘Borising’ in all versions of the Highway Code.

According to reports, the move will
commemorate the latest piece of government backtracking over free school meals over the Summer Holidays, charging foreign NHS employees to use the NHS, and Christ knows what else.

Jerome Robsonne of Highways added, ‘It’s time that the humble U-Turn was brought into the 21st Century.’

‘We’ll shortly be sending out teams to all four corners of the country to change the signs to a bloke with a scruffy blond Barnet and a line through it.’

‘For safety reasons, we will be using extra large signage in close proximity to ditches due to the risk of death.’

Scientists Discover You’re Immune To Covid-19 If You Wear Lonsdale

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Scientists have discovered that you’re 100% immune to Covid-19 if you wear anything made by Lonsdale.

Shortly after the announcement was made in a joint statement between Chris Whitty and Sir Patrick Vallance, long queues formed outside branches of Sports Direct all over the United Kingdom.

Michelle Garridge was frantically trying to get into their Southend store with her children BeePee and Texaco, and she told us that she was on her way back from a protest against statues of slave traders when she heard the news.

She said, ‘It’s time to stop glorifying slavery in this manner, and so to take my mind off of it I have decided to come here and get a pair of trainers for £8.’

‘I’ve always thought that Bangladeshi stitching craftsmanship is amongst the best in the world.’

According to government sources however, employees in the NHS and care sectors may only be issued with Slazenger PPE in order to cut costs – it is well-documented that their only product to offer 100% protection against both Covid-19 and the opposite sex is Slazenger Sport deodorant.

This shocking development is welcome news for the retailer that is still reeling from an incident last year when a Sports Direct mug of tea was knocked over and the resulting floods killed 50,000 people and made millions homeless.

30,000 Houses Washed Away After Man Knocks Over Sports Direct Mug Of Tea

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More than 30,000 homes have been washed away in South Essex after a man from Southend knocked over a Sports Direct mug of tea.

Shortly after 3pm today, Giles Kursaal from Rusty Knot Close was enjoying a cuppa in his £1 branded accessory when his cat Parsons leapt onto his desk and caused him to throw his drink all over the floor.

Within minutes, a tsunami of tea was visible from across the Thames Estuary in Kent, and 20ft waves were reported to the emergency services.

A witness said, ‘I have never been so terrified.’

‘A police helicopter arrived to begin airlifting people who were stranded on top of their homes, but nobody saw it as they were all indoors posting on Facebook to say that they had seen a police helicopter and were wondering why it was hovering around.’

‘If they don’t take the local crimewatch group down within the next thirty minutes, I fear that thousands could drown.’

This shocking news comes on the same day as thousands of people have excitedly queued up all over the UK for the reopening of Sports Direct stories.

Members of the public are now being asked to ‘think twice’ before purchasing one of these mugs if they live in a built-up area or somewhere with poor drainage.

135 Hurt In Stampede As Primark Reopens

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135 people have been hurt in a stampede after a branch of Primark reopened in Essex.

Shortly after 8am, emergency services were called to the retailer’s branch in West Canewdon.

Early reports indicate that the majority of injuries involved some form of ‘agg.’

Members of staff said that it was unlike anything that they had ever experienced.

One told us, ‘Ten minutes before we opened, I had a glass of water on a table in the staff room, and it started shaking like something out of Jurassic Park.’

‘I was expecting Richard Attenborough to come past in a helicopter at one point.’

A witness who was in the queue outside told us that it reminded her of Bob Geldof and Lenny Henry turning up with a truck full of grain for a Band Aid promo video.

She said, ‘They started turning the key in the lock, and the cries of ‘facking ‘ell’ from the crowds grew louder and louder.’

‘Before I knew what was happening, someone tried to rectally violate me with a £3.99 umbrella.’

A spokesperson for Sports Direct confirmed that all branches were prepared for large-scale civil unrest, with more than one million Lonsdale rubber bullets being produced specifically for today.

Miss Rabbit Making £50,000 A Month After Being Furloughed From Every Job

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It has been revealed that Miss Rabbit is currently making £50,000 a month after being furloughed from every single job.

According to friends, the Peppaland economy is also on the verge of collapse due to the shortfall in her National Insurance contributions.

Chancellor Rishi Rhinoceros is due to make an emergency statement in the next few days.

A source close to the government said, ‘He’s already got enough on his plate with the complaints from Grandad Dog because he’s been running his garage as a limited company and paying himself with dividends, and Rishi Rhinoceros is completely unable to distinguish between Grandad Dog’s dividends from investments and dividends as salary, thus rendering him ineligible for the same sort of support that could soon give Miss Rabbit enough of a nest egg to retire to St Tropez.’

‘Mr Fox has clearly been claiming SEISS illegally as well as he’s not stopped since March, flogging hooky grandfather clocks and such.’

‘The economy is fucked, and unless Daddy Pig is prepared to do another parachute jump it looks like we’ll be doing a Greece.’