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Outrage After Giant Migrant Ship Sneaks Past Southend Pier Undetected

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There has been an angry reaction from the general public after a giant migrant ship managed to sneak past Southend Pier undetected.

According to reports, a patrol crew on the pier shouted out to the captain to ask what he had on board, and at this point he was heard replying ‘crisps.’

One witness said, ‘I’m amazed that they believed them. Why the hell would they fill a massive ship full of crisps when there’s a perfectly good factory in Leicester.’

‘Everyone knows that Southend Pier is over a mile long so officers can have a good look at the ships that come past.’

A spokesperson for Border Force UK said, ‘We didn’t have any reason to believe he was lying.’

‘We thought that the containers were colour-coordinated for flavours which would make perfect sense.’

‘Red for ‘Ready Salted,’ blue for ‘Cheese and Onion’ and so on.

Brexit Party leader Nigel Farage responded angrily to the news.

‘He said, ‘I’m off to Canvey Island now so I can stand there and scream at the sea.’

IMAGE: Avpics

Far-Right Activist In Critical Condition After Twatting Own Reflection In Shop Window

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A far-right activist is in a critical condition this evening after violently attacking his own reflection in a London shop window during an operation to protect statues that were under a grave threat from practically nobody.

Witnesses said Dave Siyuenti spotted himself in the window of a McDonald’s and quickly became agitated.

One said, ‘He had just cracked open a Stella, when all of a sudden he turned to the window and screamed ‘the fuck you looking at you muggy cahnt?’

‘Ten seconds of frantic head bobbing later, he head butted his adversary, giving himself multiple lacerations in the process.’

‘At that point he was on the floor, and a number of other people then jumped in and attacked him for attacking himself.’

One of the other protestors told us that last weekend’s attacks on police by anteeefa were ‘a disgrace.’

He said, ‘They was a disgrace. We should protect our boys in blue,’ while hurriedly launching a nearby crowd barrier at some police officers.

Race equality minister unveils new Union Jack that reflects Britain’s diversity

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The Minister for Racial Equality Jeremiah Shayss-Longe has revealed an updated design for the Union Jack flag that reflects ‘the racial and cultural diversity of the United Kingdom.’

The new flag will begin a trial period of government buildings and civic facilities in March 2021, before a final decision is made the following Summer.

Speaking to Southend News Network, he said that the flag would ‘give Brexit Britain a fresh identity as it moves forward for a brighter future of inclusive inclusion for all.’

He added: ‘In out department, we have spent the last twelve months asking ourselves exactly how the dated and traditionalist Union Jack flag could be updated to truly reflect the racial and cultural make-up of the United Kingdom.’

‘This £30m project has seen a number of experts get involved from all over the world, and we found that the simplest change would be the most effective leading up to Brexit.’

‘While one corner of the flag has been left white, we are delighted to present the world with different tones in other areas to give a better cross-section of British society, and these new design features will allow the United Kingdom to come together and present a united front as we take on the world from a position of strength.’

‘We have also been invited to give a presentation to a US delegation where we will suggest a similar graduated colour adjustment to the white stars on the US flag.’

The new flag design has been praised by a number of groups in Britain, with members of the campaign group Equal Equality For All calling it ‘a pivotal moment in the history of the United Kingdom.’

In a late development, the majority of British county and local councils have signed a provisional agreement to waive the standard £110 fine for households displaying a Union Jack when they use this new design.

Die Hard Removed From Netflix Over Negative Portrayal Of Germans

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It has been confirmed that the movie Die Hard has been removed from Netflix over its negative portrayal of Germans.

In the wake of the ‘Germans’ episode of Fawlty Towers being removed from streaming services, more than 100,000 complaints were received accusing the 1988 movie of giving the impression that all Germans were ‘terrorists in Savile Row suits, some of whom have mullets.’

A source said, ‘We want to deeply apologise for any upset the movie has caused.’

‘The film has only been removed as a temporary measure while our digital enhancements team edit the original to replace Alan Rickman with Melissa McCarthy to make it more diverse and accessible. She’s in everything else anyway.’

‘We should probably recast Sgt. Al Powell as well actually after that police brutality right at the end.’

‘That will stop even more children growing up addicted to Twinkies too.’

One film fan from Norfolk welcomed the news.

Bernie Arms said, ‘I’m delighted with the news.’

‘The last word of Bruce Willis’ catchphrase is incredibly offensive to me as that’s how I spend most weekends.’

BBC In Fresh Blackface Row Over Kids Cartoon

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Thousands of complaints have been made to the BBC and CBeebies after parents noticed that the popular bunny Bing has been wearing blackface for a number of years without anyone noticing.

According to the parent who is leading the campaign for the show’s cancellation, people would genuinely be willing to overlook this fact if he wasn’t such a whiny little butterfly-murdering shitc*nt.

Michelle Garridge, a mum of three from Southend, said, ‘I was watching the show one morning when it suddenly dawned on me that I’ve been exposing my kids to this filth for years without even realising.’

‘I wasn’t offended before, but now I am and everyone else is too. If I was actually paying my TV licence, I’d probably stop out of protest.’

A source within the BBC confirmed that a full investigation is underway, but this latest scandal couldn’t have come at a worse time for the corporation.

A panel will meet next week to decide if Mr Tumble will face disciplinary action after accidentally signing the word ‘vulva’ in Makaton during an episode of Something Special in January.

It is thought that he meant to communicate ‘bucket’ during a trip to the seaside, but more than 63,000 complaints were made to Ofcom after the word was copied and repeated by a four-year-old child and he can be heard exclaiming ‘great signing Zachary.’

More Than £23,000 Raised For Nigel Farage After He Loses Job On LBC

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More than £23,000 has been raised for Nigel Farage after he lost his job on LBC Radio.

The host will not be returning to the station after he made remarks comparing the Black Lives Matter movement to ‘terrorists.’

The appeal reads:

Nigel Farage has been forced to leave LBC Radio in what is a disgusting attack on his right to free speech.

Britain has gone mad. All he did was compare Black Lives Matter to The Taliban. It’s a discrace this country has gone to the dogs.

All money raised will be used to Feed Farage in his hour of darkness. Show your support for this true British patrot.

THE APPEAL CAN BE VIEWED AND SHARED HERE. 

Millions Of Grandparents Considering Murdering Their Spouse So They Can See Grandkids

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It has emerged that millions of British grandparents are considering murdering their spouse so they can finally see their grandkids again.

A source within the government revealed that the Home Office is bracing itself for an explosion in murder cases after Boris Johnson announced that single-person households would be allowed to form a ‘social bubble’ with another household from Saturday.

61-year-old Derek Genocide currently lives with his wife of forty years Helen, and he admitted to us that this could be ‘just the motivation he’s been looking for.’

He added, ‘She’s been getting on my tits throughout lockdown and I’m missing the grandkids something chronic.’

‘It won’t take much anyway. We’ve just had the parquet floor polished in the hallway so a nice new rug and the job’s a good’un.’

We caught up with Helen afterwards who admitted that she’s having similar thoughts.

She added, ‘By the time I’m done with him it will make Andy Capp and his missus look like Jack and Vera Duckworth.’

Spurs Fans Demand Removal Of Offensive Thierry Henry Statue Celebrating Goal Against Them

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Angry fans of Tottenham Hotspur have demanded the removal of a statue of Thierry Henry outside The Emirates as it depicts his goal celebration after scoring a wonder goal against them at Highbury in 2002.

According to a number of supporters, the way that the French forward literally walked through the majority of their starting eleven before sticking it home was ‘incredibly offensive and upsetting,’ and it is a period of their history that they would rather forget.

Dave Minicab-Driver from Seven Sisters is leading the campaign for its removal, and he said, ‘It has to come down.’

‘I still wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat about that goal, and I thought that moving to a new stadium where the lager magically enters the cups from the bottom would finally help me get over it.’

‘However, that hasn’t been the case, and a lot of Tottenham Fans were left scarred after that day.’

‘For many of us, this traumatic experience led to some incredibly irrational behaviour, like the day in 2004 when Arsenal clinched the league at White Hart Lane and we all celebrated like we’d just won the World Championship of the Universe because Robbie Keane equalised so they only won the league a little bit.’

A source within Arsenal has confirmed that they may be willing to compromise by turning the statue onto its front so it’s laying down and telling everyone it’s Jamie Redknapp.

‘Hope Fury smashes that bigot’ says man who forgets Fury may also be bigot

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Thousands of boxing fans all over the UK are getting ready for one of the sports biggest ever fights by declaring that they want Tyson Fury to ‘smash that bigot’ Anthony Joshua, conveniently forgetting that Fury also said some pretty bigoted shit comparing homosexuality to paedophilia.

According to experts, this incredible double-standard may have the teeniest, tiniest, ickle, bickle, wickle bit to do with the fact that Joshua is a black man.

Boxing mega fan Mike Siyuenti said, ‘When AJ made that speech in Watford at that rally thing, my estimation of the man plummeted.’

‘He told everyone to boycott ‘their’ businesses, and it’s completely obvious who he was referring to.’

‘I mean, his promoter is Eddie Hearn, that well-known member of the black community, so yeah that must have been a pre-meditated racist attack and most definitely not an ill-advised reading of a pre-prepared script that possibly could have been worded a bit more tactfully given the highly emotive international climate at the moment.’

‘Sorry my mind is made up on this. If you consider that single sentence and completely ignore the rest of the speech about people of every race and creed coming together to fight racism, then yeah he’s a massive fucking racist.’

We asked Mr Siyuenti if he also had strong views about Tyson Fury’s bigoted comments in the past.

He said, ‘Well that’s all in the past innit. Everyone’s entitled to their opinion.’

All Episodes Of Mrs Brown’s Boys Removed From iPlayer Because It’s Shit

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A spokesperson for the BBC has confirmed that all episodes of Mrs Brown’s Boys have been removed from iPlayer because it’s shit.

According to reports, multiple complaints about its shitness have been received over the last month.

One source said, ‘Its humour isn’t OK now, and it wasn’t OK when it was on TV.’

‘It also won’t be OK when it’s repeated three sodding times a week.’

It’s thought that the BBC will be liable for millions of pounds in repair costs due to the number of times that the fourth wall was clumsily knocked over.

If you’ve been affected by Mrs Brown’s Boys … fuck it it’s too late for you now.